Twilight: 2. Open Book

Second day of school: no rain, and no Edward.

This first point is a good thing, the second is... not? “All morning I was dreading lunch, fearing his bizarre glares.” Yet his absence is upsetting.

The night before, Bella had imagined what she would say to Edward, although she didn't expect to actually say any of it (I actually love “I made the Cowardly Lion look like the terminator.”).

When she gets to lunch and sees that Edward isn't there, she's all uneasy. She sits with Mike and Jessica while “waiting nervously for the moment [Edward] would arrive.” She hopes he'll ignore her “proving [her] suspicions false.” It isn't really explained what exactly her suspicions are,  but okay.

She walks to Biology with Mike (who is likened to a dog... and this is the boy she thinks is nice! Blah.), and Edward isn't there either. Mike talks to her until class starts and smiles “wistfully” at her before going to his assigned seat next to a way uglier girl. Then Bella is like “oh crap how do I let this dog boy down easy?” And claims she's never encountered “overly friendly boys” before. Ohhhh sure. Because you're a freak, right? But at least you don't have braces and a bad perm. Ugh. She's fake-insecure in that way that girls who are pretty and really know they're pretty pretend they don't know they're pretty. Or she wouldn't be passing judgments on other girls. Nor, I think, would she be assuming this friendly guy was “overly” so, in a way that required diplomatic, tactful rejection.

She tries (not very hard) to convince herself that she is relieved, and not totally disappointed, that Edward isn't there. But she can't help but think his absence has something to do with her! Bella admits it's egotistical and somehow we're still supposed to believe she's the awkward insecure girl. WHATEVS.

After school she rushes to her car to avoid her “retriever friend” (as in golden), which is such a shitty nickname to give someone who is friendly to you, and um I don't see how he's following you like a puppy dog if he's walking with you TO THE CLASS YOU HAVE TOGETHER. Bluh.

Oh, this is rich: “Last night I'd discovered that Charlie couldn't cook much besides fried eggs and bacon. So I requested that I be assigned kitchen detail for the duration of my stay. He was willing enough to hand over the keys to the banquet hall. I also found out that he had no food in the house. So I had my shopping list and the cash from the jar in the cupboard labeled FOOD MONEY, and I was on my way to Thriftway.” There are so many things wrong with this picture. I just need to punch things right now.

Okay, FIRSTLY: Charlie, the grown adult man who has been living on his own for nearly the duration of Bella's life, can't cook food? This is beyond ludicrous. Wouldn't he be horribly malnourished and have some terrible illness by now? I don't accept this. Plus, if she's been staying with him for months at a time all her life (summer visits mentioned last chapter), how did they eat then? And how did she just discover that he can't cook if she's stayed with him before?

Then there is the whole OH DADDY YOU ARE AN INCOMPETENT MAN IN THE KITCHEN, AREN'T YOU LUCKY THAT I AS A LADY CAN HELP YOU NOW AND COOK COOK COOK LIKE A LADY IS SUPPOSED TO DO? Barefoot in the kitchen! Bella knows her place! And likes it!

I also don't see why he'd have no food in the house. But I don't even have the energy to go into that.

I also don't know why a man who lives alone would need a jar labeled FOOD MONEY. Unless he created it just as of Bella's arrival, for just such a situation as this. Bella: she shops and cooks! She's like the housewife he never had! Who is also his daughter! Okay, we won't go down THAT road.

So she sees the Cullens (minus Edward) and the Hale twins get into their shiny new car in their shiny new clothes and is like “Oh, they're beautiful AND rich. Isn't that always the way?” And I guess it frequently is. After all, when you're rich, you can BUY the looks. Not that they did. But. I'm just saying in this instance maybe Bella has a wee bit of a point.

Although, Bill Gates kind of goes against that theory.

Bella gets to the supermarket and feels at home (of course, because she's all domestic). Apparently she did the shopping for her mom, too. If her parents are both so incompetent, how did they both manage to live on their own when Bella was still too young to take care of them? Yeesh.

She gets home, and she unloads the groceries, “stuffing them in wherever I could find an open space.” THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

Ahem.

Gets some potatoes a-bakin' in the oven and some steak a-marinatin' in the fridge, then goes upstairs to change into dry clothes (I thought this day was better because it was cloudy but not raining? Whatever, I don't care) and check her email.

All three of them are spazzy emails from her mom. WHY HAVEN'T YOU EMAILED ME YET? OMG WTF AHHH.

So she sends her mom a calming email, talks her off the ledge of OMG calling her dad, and then starts another email. Presumably to be more informative but really the new one is barely more informative than the first one and couldn't have taken her more than 5 minutes to write. So I don't know why she didn't just send that one to begin with.

AHEM.

She reminds her mother to breathe and then she begins to reread Wuthering Heights “for fun” because, remember folks, she has already studied EVERYTHING EVER. I still think it would behoove you to remember the nuances of the text for class discussions, Bella. Fun my ass.

Her dad gets home and she goes down to “bustle about the kitchen” (her words) while her dad hangs up his gun belt. Guys, she figures he thinks she's old enough not to accidentally shoot herself (BUT I WOULDN'T PUT THIS PAST SOMEONE WHO CAN BARELY WALK), and not depressed enough to shoot herself on purpose (no, this is not her preferred method of shuffling off this mortal coil).

Ever the family to look a gift horse in the mouth, rather than acting grateful that his daughter is cooking him a full home-cooked meal, he warily asks what's for dinner. When reassured that it's the good American dish of steak and potatoes, he goes to sit in front of the TV while Bella plays the good little lady in the kitchen. WHERE LADIES BELONG.

She calls Charlie in for dinner. Yar, she's like mom/wife and it kind of creeps me out? They eat in silence and then he asks how school is. She says there's some girl Jessica and some guy Mike who's “very friendly” (you don't want to tell your dad how he reminds you of a dog?). She says: everybody seems pretty nice. She thinks: except this one dude but I can't get him out of my head anyway!

Then she asks him about the Cullens, mentions they seem out of place, and then Charlie gets mad!

Apparently the Cullens get crap from some folks in the town for being outsiders or something. We learn that Dr. Cullen is a brilliant surgeon, and his family takes camping trips every other weekend, and the kids never give Charlie any trouble.

After the longest speech of Charlie's life, Bella says Oh, jk, I just meant they keep to themselves. They're totally hot! To which Charlie replies, “You should see the doctor.” AHA! So THAT'S why their marriage didn't work out. And why he's still single. It all makes sense. (I'm not kidding. This is exactly what he says.)

Back to silence. Charlie watches TV while Bella hand-washes all the dishes LIKE A GOOD LITTLE LADY. IN THE KITCHEN. Then upstairs to not do her math homework. “I could feel a tradition in the making.” I've said it before and I'll say it again: She knows her place, and she likes it.

The rest of the week happens. Nothing interesting.

Edward continues to not be in school. She still can't shake the feeling that she's the reason he's not there! Hmm.

Weekend is also boring. Charlie isn't usually there. The library has no books. It rains lightly so Princess and the Rain can sleep at night.

Monday there's an easy quiz on Wuthering Heights. I bet rereading the book helped you, didn't it, Bella?

Bella is surprised at how comfortable she's beginning to feel in Forks.

Then they go outside and it's snowing. And Bella says “Ew.” And I hate her. If you hate rain, you should PREFER SNOW. It falls more quietly, which is something you take issue with in terms of rain, and also it really doesn't get you as wet, in my experience. STUPID BELLA.

And she's never even experienced snow in real life, so I don't know how she can already decide it's “Ew” worthy.

THEN Eric (gross dork) throws a snowball at Mike (puppy dog)'s head! OMG! SNOWBALL FIGHT! Bella leaves, because she does not want to get “wet stuff” thrown at her. Haha, that's what— okay, nevermind.

Bella has a retort to my points about snow: “Sure, it was drier than rain — until it melted in your socks.” To which I reply: HONEY, YOU ARE WEARING THE WRONG SHOES.

Snowballs fly around Jessica and Bella as they walk to lunch. Then she FREEZES. There are 5 people at the table (the Cullen table, guys).

Her ears are hot and she decides not to eat lunch? She says she feels sick and glances at the table. To see if Edward is glaring at her, of course. But no! None of them are looking at her! They're laughing! They like snow! They look like a movie!

But there was something mysteriously different. Edward looks less pale. And... something else. She doesn't know what.

Then Jessica asks Bella what she's staring at, and Edward looks over at Bella AT THAT PRECISE MOMENT OMG.

Instead of looking like he wants to kill her, he looks curious and unsatisfied.

Bella looks down, Jessica is all OMG EDWARD IS STARING AT YOU, and Bella asks if he looks angry, which confuses Jessica. Bella tells her to stop looking. Bella considers HURTING HER if she doesn't comply. Whoa, lady. WHOA THERE.

Mike plans an epic snow battle in the parking lot after school, Bella observes that Jessica totally has the hots for Mike, and Bella plans to avoid the parking lot at all costs.

Bella had bargained with herself that if Edward didn't glare at her, she'd go to Biology. Whatever, that's dumb. You'd ditch class? Pfft.

It's raining and because Bella is an absurd and soulless human being she is glad that the snow is being washed away. Bella gets to class before Edward and doodles on her notebook.

Edward sits down and says “Hello” in a “quiet, musical voice.”

GASP! HE'S TALKING TO ME. He smiles, but his eyes are “careful.” He introduces himself, and she questions her sanity that the crazy murder-daggers he was staring at her last week even happened.  He says “You must be Bella Swan.” And Bella is all OMG HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME.

So apparently everyone calls her Isabella? I don't buy this. Hasn't she been introducing herself as Bella? She's been here a week. I don't know, I think he could have heard what the only new girl's name is.

Class happens. Edward smiles at Bella and her brain temporarily melts.

And surprise, surprise, she's “done this lab before.” What? SPECIFIC LABS are the exact same as the ones you did at your old high school? This is so absurd.

Edward's hand touches hers and it's ice-cold but also AN ELECTRIC CURRENT runs through them. WHOA DUDE. ELECTRICITY.

Edward and Bella both know all their phases of mitosis, hurrah. This is the most boring scene full of 'tension' I've ever read. They finish before everyone else and then Bella tries not to look at him. And fails! She does a lot of that.

She asks if he got contacts and he looks at her weird. But she is pretty sure that his eyes were all black before, and now they're kind of golden. She suspects she's going insane.

And his hands are clenched into fists again. Goddamn woman, you really know how to push his buttons... in the bad way?

The bio teacher is all Edward, give the lady a shot at the microscope and Edward is all she totally identified more than half of these bitches, sir. Paraphrasing, of course.

Bella is soooo smart. The teacher figures that she's done the lab before, and this is the only reason she was able to do it. Actually I don't understand what she's trying to imply with the 'skeptical' expression the teacher has. Then he asks if was in an advanced placement program in Phoenix. And the answer is yes! Bella is sooooooo smart.

Then they start talking about why Bella is in Forks and she's all martyr martyr martyr and I'm all gag gag gag.

Edward feeds her martyr complex with the line “I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see.” Don't encourage her, Edward! Jeez!

Bella asks him why he cares, and he sort of responds under his breath “That's a very good question.” But he doesn't actually ANSWER her question. Because... blah. Then she scowls. He asks if he's annoying her, and she says she's annoying herself (?) because she's “so easy to read.”

But Edward says he finds her “very difficult to read.” Hahahaaaaa. Yeah.

Then he flashes his “ultrawhite teeth” in a grin. And Bella can't believe she's explained her “dreary” life to this “bizarre, beautiful” DOUCHE who “may or may not despise” her. Even though he'd been acting friendly, she notices his body language is DEAR GOD KEEP AWAY FROM ME. All tense and grabbing the table.

Class ends and Edward again whisks out of the room.

Mike “skipped” to Bella's side and she imagines him with A WAGGING TAIL. Bella. Okay, I know this is funny in a foreshadowy way, but it's also kind of bitchy, isn't it?

Mike covers Bella's position in their Gym class. What's woolgathering? She's doing it instead of actually playing volleyball. I've never heard this term before.

It's mistily raining, Bella gets into her truck, and notices EDWARD STARING AT HER OH EM GEE. She hastily reverses the truck and almost runs into a rusty Toyota Corolla (aww, that's the car my family had for quite a while... until it was too rusty to function!). Apparently Bella's near-collision with the Toyota, which would have destroyed the little Japanese car, makes Edward laugh, as she observes while driving away.