Twilight: 1. First Sight.

Here we meet Bella Swan. And — this is telling — the first thing we learn about her is her CLOTHING PREFERENCES. (Well, we meet the unnamed first-person narrator, who is either a girl or flamingly gay (“I was wearing my favorite shirt — sleeveless, white eyelet lace;” “My carry-on item was a parka.” Hah! This whole book would probably entertain me even more if it was about a guy who was inexplicably drawn to Edward. Now that I've thought it, there's probably already fanfic out there where Bella is Billy, instead. Um, I've let this train of thought go on long enough...)

She totally hates gloomy cloudy rain. So she's moving to Washington! It's a self-sacrificing gesture of the utmost unselfishness, you see. Yeah, that's why you can't shut up about how selfless you are. WHATEVER.

The “vigorous, sprawling city”? Um, vigorous? Um.

So, apparently Bella takes care of her “childlike” mother, and doesn't know how her mom will survive without her. Yeesh! I doubt it, because how can someone who can't even walk take care of anyone? Plus how did her mom survive all those summers when Bella was staying with her dad Charlie?

What's her mom's name? We don't know.

So we learn how you get from Phoenix to Forks, and it involves an hour drive which Bella is dreading because apparently she's not “verbose” and she's worried about awkwardness with Charlie.

They meet, awkward hug — ah, her mom's name is Renée — and get to driving.

Her dad bought her a CAR.

And she's all "errr what kind of car" and I'm all "YOUR DAD BOUGHT YOU A CAR. SHUT THE HELL UP."

Oh, okay, once she realizes she doesn't have to pay for it, she gets more grateful. That's all I ask, Bella!

Oh boy, she likes the hunk of truck her dad bought her, “to my intense surprise.” Mine too, Bella. Mine too.

“It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to st are dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape.” Aw, she's such a MARTYR, moving to live with her apparently loving father. Squeeze out a few tears for yourself, Bella.

Bella laments her freak appearance – ivory-skinned, slender “but soft somehow” – oh yeah, you're a total freak. I don't know how you manage to walk down the street without people screaming and running in the opposite direction.

After a sleepless night and a quiet breakfast, Bella heads off to school!

Wait, I need to comment on this sentence: “Charlie left first, off to the police station that was his wife and family.” What the HELL? This sentence would get torn apart in a high school writing class critique.

Bella has something against a pretty, sprawling campus that doesn't incorporate metal detectors (seriously?).

She also has something against NATURE (“Plants grew everywhere in large plastic pots, as if there wasn't enough greenery outside.”).

Nervous about her first day at school: “I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.” BWA HAHAHA.

Bella breathes a sigh of relief when she realizes everyone here is a pale, pale caucasian, like her. Whew!

Also she apparently has already learned and read everything ever. Are schools so much better in Arizona than in Washington?

And yes, Bella, having your mom send you your folder of old essays IS cheating. Unless you're just going to use them to augment your research when writing the NEW ones. You cheating cheater.

Oh, then a nice friendly fellow with the unfortunate affliction of being a teenage boy (gangly, skin problems) is chalked up to "chess club type" when he tries to talk to Bella. Pfft.

Okay, I mean, even if she has a point, JUDGMENTAL MUCH?

Bella meets some girls at lunch but forgets all their names (okay, I'm guilty of this as well. Names are hard!).

It is during lunch that she spots “them.” And I think we ALL know who she means.

She describes them all in physical details. I care so little about this. Except for one: the short girl (“pixielike, thin in the extreme, with small features. Her hair was a deep black, cropped short and pointing in every direction”) sounds like my friend Philosophy, if Philosophy cut her hair short and dyed it black. I don't know if this is a character I'll like or dislike yet, so I hope I didn't just say something horrible.

Oh and guess what? They're all “chalky pale” — even paler than Bella (gasp)! Also it looks like they all got punched in the nose?

But why is she staring at them? Not because they aren't eating or talking or looking at her. Not because they're all skinny and pale. It's because they all look like airbrushed fashion models with the face of an angel (collectively?). Oh Em Gee.

They are like super-fast runway models. Uh huh.

Bella asks who these pale speedy models are. The girl she's having lunch with tells her they're Edward, Emmett and Alice Cullen (Alice is the short pixielike one), and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. Uhhh names. I'm like Bella in that I'm bad at them. And we only know who one of these names belongs to at this point, right? Hm.

She narrates about the name Jessica, and I'm not entirely clear what her point is.

And all the pale beautiful models live together (in sin? I think it's implied). Gasp!

But they're all foster kids. Foster kids who are all bangin' their foster siblings? Er... okay.

The guy she keeps paying attention to is — are you ready for this? I'm sure it's going to come as a big shock — Edward. He keeps looking over while they're talking about him and his family. Gee, I wonder what that's all about!

Edward looks frustrated the last time he looks at her during lunch.

Then, Bio class. Guess who is the only one without a lab partner, who then Bella is paired with by default?

A certain perfect-lipped boy who keeps giving Bella weird looks? May just be!

And now he's not just curious or frustrated, he is PISSED. It's the weirdest thing ever and I don't think something I'd respond to the way she does. Her first thought? OMG, do I smell bad?!

The answer is, of course, no. She smells like strawberries.

And once more Bella knows whatever everyone is learning already. Oh, you know everything there is to know about cellular anatomy, huh Bella? What the hell?

Edward is rigid and holding his hand in a fist the whole class period. He looks at her with “his black eyes full of revulsion,” which is WTF CREEPY but still does not excuse the fact the she used the phrase “He didn't know me from Eve.” I'm sorry, but I don't want to read this sentence in the narrative of a published book. No.

Edward hightails it out of there as soon as the class ends, presumably because he inexplicably hates Bella so damn much.

Bella's reaction is “He was so mean. It wasn't fair.”

Because this is the second grade?

Fortunately, some baby-faced aryan boy named Mike interrupts her whiny reverie. They walk to gym class, and bond over the fact that they're like the only 2 people in Washington who have ever seen sunlight (Mike is from California originally — there is NO SUN EVER in Washington, clearly).

Just when Bella thinks Mike is nice, he asks her if she stabbed Edward with a pencil (Haha! What if she had?). On account of he was looking at her so funny. Bella gets embarrassed.

The gym teacher's name Coach Clapp. I'm not even joking. He (?) goes through the trouble of finding a gym uniform for Bella, but then doesn't make her change into it. What? Why would he look for the uniform in the first place? SHEESH.

Bella feels nauseated watching people play volleyball. We are reminded that she is physically incompetent. Forks is her “personal hell on Earth” because P.E. is mandatory all four years of high school. Cry me a river.

Gym is the last class of the day, I guess, because next Bella has to go to the office to return her paperwork.

Who should be in the office but Hatey McBrooderson! I mean, Angel. No wait, I mean Edward! He's trying to get transfered to a different section of Biology — any other section!

Then someone else comes into the office and this somehow tips him off that Bella is standing directly behind him. He glares at her, and she narrates, “his face was absurdly handsome — with piercing, hate-filled eyes.” Mmm, just how I like 'em, fear-inducing and filled with hate. SO HOT.

This girl has issues.

Then Edward tells the receptionist never mind and whisks out of there.

Bella is totally embarrassed: “my face white for once instead of red” (doesn't she mean the other way around? Isn't it usually pretty... white?). She does whatever she needed to do in the office (what paperwork, exactly, did she need to return?) and then goes back to her truck, and sits staring numbly out the window.

Then she drives home and tries really hard not to cry.

I'm sorry, I might be weirded out if a dude I'd never met decided to HATE ME UTTERLY, but I don't know if I'd cry about it. Can we focus on the fact that not only does he look daggers at her, but they have never exchanged a single word? And she's ready to cry over this dude already? Oh, this bodes well. Yeahhhhh.